I learned today that Hannah has the most amazing Kinect Bowling skills. In one game she's bowled three stirkes and a spare! I'm ignoring the gutter balls because, well she's 3.

Such faith in me...

So Chloe has picked out what she would like me to do for her birthday cake. It's so ambitious but she has no doubt I'll do it perfectly. I'm choosing to see myself through her eyes and know that I can.

Worst time of year...

Peek season is pretty much over for Jon, so now the fun begins. Seasonal employees to fire and temporary supervisors to demote. Jon gets cried on, yelled at and vented upon. He comes home grumpy and worn out, he hates being that guy. We all hate this time of year.

Dinner Surprise

Dinner with the fam was surprising to say the least. Carly was civil, almost nice, Matt was social. They were full of beer, not drunk full, pleasantly full. Chris was exhausted, almost too exhausted to talk. Stacy was shockingly chatty, we have a lot in common I wish she would talk to me more. The whining and complaining in general was pretty damn low, add no major kid scuffles and you've got a pretty good night.

Birthday obligations

Later today are heading to Jon's parents for a birthday party. His mom's birthday was Friday and Matt's girlfriends birthday was Saturday so we are doing dinner tonight. I hate going over there. Carly only talks if she wants something from you, Matt tries to talk but she drags him off. When he talks he tries to prove he's smart and that they are great parents, both are bullshit. Becky complains and Craig is constantly aggravated. Stacy sits silently on the couch and Chris walks around being his normal obnoxious self. The cousins play and sometimes fight. Jon talks cars and mockingly agree's with the "the world/government is out to get you" attitude. I try to keep my mouth shut, usually unsuccessfully. Everyone pretends to be a happy family. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my family I hate the games. I hate the pretending, the complaining, the tension, the snotty comments and the guilt trips. I hate the people they bring out in me and Jon. One on one I love 'em all but put everyone in one room and it's guaranteed that someone will get their feeling hurt and someone stomps off angry. Oh family.

Worst Mom EVER!

So Lucy has a boy bff named Brody, yesterday was his birthday party. She was dying to go, he was thrilled she was coming. This was her first school friend party. I had the dates wrong and we showed up today. I was mortified, Lucy was invited to stay and play. She was given leftover cake, her treat bag and had "the best time". She still loves me, I feel like shit.

Really Chloe, really?!

Last night lucy came flying down the hall and almost hit Chloe. She got very upset, looked at Lucy and said "Lucy you could have hit me and I could have fallen and you could fall on me and it would hurt" I'm sure there was an even longer and more ridiculous continuation of this disaster scenario but she got distracted by how hard Jon and I were laughing.

Ugh more ears

We made it all the way through last winter with no ear infections. We were congratulated by Dr. Lei "good job Mom" he said. Well Saturday the luck ended, she complained, I called, appt, pharmacy, done. It was just beginning, hadn't turned ugly yet and was no where near another burst. Evening with my dad scarred but Hannah is perfect again, so all in all an ok night.

New Years Promise

Shortly after my last post our lives changed dramatically.

I miscarried our baby in the most dramatic fashion. I hemorrhaged severely blacked out repeatedly and was rushed to the ER. Upon arriving my blood pressure was half of normal. I was given oxygen and an IV. It was soon determined my uterus was empty but not completely, the bleeding was my body's attempt to flush out the remaining tissue. I continued to bleed and my O2 saturation alarm went off anytime I cried or even spoke more then a few words at time. While waiting for the OB I blacked out again, Jon thought I was dying. I was given a second IV and the OB arrived. We discussed the emergency D&C I was about to have, I would be put under fully just in case. Just in case defined as full hysterectomy or major transfusion, I began to cry. I cried for my baby that had died and the possibility of never having another one, it was almost to much to bear. Being put out was such a relief. Soon after I woke the IV's were removed, my Hannah was brought to me and I was released. 10 hours after my nightmare began I was home in my bed, alive and intact.

The next few weeks were less eventful. I was very weak and tired, I felt like I'd been given a gift. As the weeks rolled on and I became physically stronger my emotional state began to quiver. I have peace in knowing there was something very wrong with our baby, I know I did everything right, but I still can't talk about it without crying.

Then there are the things I can't un-know, my blood pressure was just above coma, I'd lost more then half the amount of blood possible before someone dies. I did however learned some good things, blood tests revealed no sign of infections or problems. I was completely healthy, my hospital tests revealed anemia but there is no surprise there.

I am trying to look forward, forward towards a little life inside me again and having enough peace where I can let it all go. Fingers crossed.


Ok so here's my promise - 1 post a week. Boring or eventful I will post!